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January 24, 2016


Santa Fe, 2015

While reading my class assignment (Anthropology class), I had a little epiphany about myself.....I suppose that you're never too old to come to a new conclusion.  

I had been feeling rather resentful that my Mom had not called me on my birthday, nor did my sister or eldest son (although I did have birthday wishes on Facebook, which seem the cowards way out).  These feelings were leading to a review of my behavior in recent months, and after reading the assignment, I realized that I hold everyone at arms length.  I don't allow others to help me when I need it.  I brush off helpful friends and family when they offer to support me/us.  

This behavior is, in my opinion, the direct result of a rather traumatic time when I was a teenager ~ I don't really want to go into a lot of detail, but includes sexual abuse (not rape though).  

I did not receive any support during that time from anyone, really.  The focus was placed on the perpetrator and spouse of the perpetrator.  Once the ugly story came out, I was essentially out of the picture.  Which was OK with me at the time, as I wanted as much distance from it as possible.  Little did I know how this incident would shape my personality to such an extent.  And I wonder why it never occurred to me before.  

Unfortunately, it goes a little further than that, in that when I do expect some help, I make people jump all kinds of hoops before I allow it.  I suppose that I subconsciously want them to prove to me that they care, and want to help, and only then would it be graciously received.  However, this doesn't happen very often.  And of course, I become unhappy and resentful when they don't do all of this hoop jumping.  **sigh**

This is all my own issue/problem.  I can't expect that my family would understand, when I barely understand it myself.  I do feel a bit broken by it all, and feel uncertain how to stop a behavior I've been practicing for, decades.  It is something I shall have to work on.  

Love, 365

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